When Your Rules Feel Unfair: Parenting After Divorce

 


A mother shares her struggle with her children who think she’s too strict. Her “rules” include basic expectations like keeping their rooms clean, helping with household chores, and staying safe. Since the divorce, her eldest son has chosen to live with their father, where there are fewer rules. The children refuse to help her but willingly do similar tasks for their father. She feels unsupported and frustrated, especially since she’s trying to build a structured home post-divorce.

Your expectations are not unreasonable—they’re the building blocks of a respectful and functioning household. What’s happening here likely stems from a combination of the parenting dynamics in your marriage, the allure of their father’s more relaxed home, and their adjustment to the post-divorce reality. Children often gravitate to the “easier” environment, not realizing the long-term benefits of structure and responsibility.

It’s particularly hurtful when they refuse to help you but willingly support their father. This may be because they perceive his lack of rules as freedom, while your structured home feels like work. It’s also possible that in the past, your frustration and lack of support during the marriage may have unintentionally created resentment toward your expectations.

The key here is patience and consistency. While it may feel tempting to relax your rules to compete with their father’s home, doing so would undermine the values you’re trying to instill. Instead, keep enforcing your boundaries calmly and consistently. Let them know your home is a place of mutual respect, and everyone contributes because it’s part of being a family.

At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge their feelings. They’re navigating divided loyalties and a new family dynamic, which can make even basic expectations feel burdensome. Try sitting down with them during a calm moment and explaining why these rules matter. Emphasize how these responsibilities prepare them for the future and show respect for the people they live with.

If they threaten to run off to their father’s, don’t let the fear of losing them push you to abandon your boundaries. Instead, respond with empathy: “I understand why Dad’s house might feel easier, but this is my home, and it’s important to me that we all share the work here. I love you no matter where you choose to stay, but I want to build a home where we respect each other and work together.”

You might also explore family counseling to help navigate these dynamics. A neutral third party can facilitate better communication and help your children understand the value of what you’re trying to teach.

Resources

  1. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Amazon)
  2. Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Charles Fay and Foster Cline (Amazon)
  3. Family Responsibility Chart – A tool to visually track household chores and expectations (Amazon)
  4. Family Therapy Directory (PsychologyToday.com) – Find a licensed therapist near you to help navigate co-parenting and family dynamics.
  5. The Bridge – A supportive community for parents navigating post-divorce challenges.

Your children may not appreciate the structure and effort you’re providing right now, but over time, they’ll see its value. By staying consistent and leading with love, you’re setting them up for success and showing them what a respectful, healthy household looks like.

#parentingafterdivorce #familydynamics #raisingkids #parentingtips #coparentingchallenges #parentingsupport #familyboundaries #parentingjourney #childresponsibility #familycommunication #buildingrespect #healthyparenting #postdivorcelife #positiverelationships #raisingteens #coparentingwisdom #parentingwithlove #familyvalues #structuredparenting #positivediscipline #parentingwisdom #supportforparents #lifeafterdivorce #familywellbeing #coparentingjourney #boundariesmatter

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