We’re in the process of getting our 11-year-old assessed for ODD and ADHD

 


A Reader Asks:

"We’re in the process of getting our 11-year-old assessed for ODD and ADHD. She’s always been extremely defiant, but now her grades have dropped drastically, and she refuses to even attempt her homework. She claims she doesn’t know how to do it before even reading the question and shuts down immediately.

On top of that, she’s being bullied and shunned by former friends, often eating lunch alone. Punishments don’t work with her, and there’s a disconnect that’s hard to bridge. While we wait for a professional opinion, do you have any tips for helping her stay on track and feel supported?"*

The Answer:
You’ve got a double whammy here—academic challenges and social struggles. First, let’s ditch the punishment strategy; for a kid with ODD/ADHD tendencies, punishments are like gasoline on a fire. Instead, let’s focus on connection and creative problem-solving.

1. Build Tiny Wins into Homework Time:

  • Break tasks into micro-steps. Instead of “Do your math homework,” try, “Let’s just read the first question together.” Once she starts, it might snowball.
  • Offer choices: “Do you want to use a pencil or colored pens for this?” Letting her feel in control can reduce resistance.

2. Focus on the Social Side:

  • Eating lunch alone is heartbreaking. Could you talk to the school counselor about pairing her with a buddy or group? Sometimes structured interactions can help rebuild confidence.
  • Reassure her that being “different” is what makes people amazing—point out famous people who’ve turned their quirks into strengths (Albert Einstein, Temple Grandin, etc.).

3. Use Natural Consequences Instead of Punishments:

Punishments tend to feel like a personal attack to kids with ODD tendencies. Instead, try:

  • “If we don’t finish this assignment, it might mean extra work over the weekend. How can I help you get started?”

Books to Help You Navigate This:


  1. “The Explosive Child” by Ross W. Greene

    • A must-read for understanding defiant kids and creating collaborative solutions.


  2. “Smart but Scattered” by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare

    • Offers strategies for helping kids with ADHD develop executive function skills.

A Little Humor to Keep You Going:

Parenting a defiant child is like negotiating with a stubborn raccoon: they’re clever, determined, and absolutely sure they know better than you. But with patience, creativity, and a lot of snacks, you’ll find a way to work together.

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