Today I got a call from my daughter's school, she was suspended for having weed, a bong, two knives, and broken glass in her possession.

 


A READER ASKS:

"Today I got a call from my daughter's school (she's 15, in grade 10 and lives with her father about an hour away from where I live). She was suspended for having weed, a bong, two knives, and broken glass in her possession. The school couldn't reach her dad, so they contacted me. She has also been missing a lot of school, which I didn't know about.

I suspect her father is aware of and maybe even permissive about her drug use. I’m preparing to talk to both her and her father, but I know it won’t be easy—he tends to blow up when I bring up concerns. I just want my daughter back. How do I navigate this?"

First of all, take a deep breath. This is a heavy situation, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed. You’re clearly a loving parent, and your concern shows you’re doing your best to guide your daughter. Let’s break this down step-by-step to tackle the immediate issues while also keeping the bigger picture in mind.

Navigating the Conversation with Your Daughter

  1. Lead with Empathy: Start by expressing concern rather than anger. Something like, “I got a call from your school today, and I want to understand what’s going on. I’m worried about you.”

  2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of assuming, ask her how she’s feeling, what’s been going on at school, and what led to this. Teens often shut down when they feel judged but may open up if approached with genuine curiosity.

  3. Set Boundaries: While showing empathy, it’s also important to establish that carrying dangerous items (knives and broken glass) is non-negotiable. Explain the serious risks and potential consequences.

  4. Address the Drug Use: Rather than labeling her behavior as "bad," discuss the risks of drug use, including how it can impact her health, safety, and education. Ask her if she feels pressure to use or if it's something she turns to for coping.

The Conversation with Her Father

  1. Keep It Fact-Based: Stick to the details you’ve learned from the school. For example, “I received a call today about [daughter's name]. She was suspended for having weed and other items in her possession, and I also learned she’s been missing school.”

  2. Avoid Accusations: Even if you suspect he’s aware or permissive of the drug use, accusations can escalate things. Instead, frame it as, “I want us to work together to figure out how we can help her.”

  3. Set Boundaries for Communication: If he becomes confrontational, calmly explain that you’re there to discuss your daughter’s well-being and won’t engage in unproductive arguments.

Getting Your Daughter Back on Track

  1. Involve Professional Support: If she’s not already in counseling, this is a good time to explore therapy or substance abuse counseling. School counselors may also offer resources.

  2. Create a Safe Space: Let her know you’re there to support her, no matter what. Teens often turn to substances as a way of coping, so finding out the root cause is crucial.

  3. School Engagement: Reach out to her school to stay in the loop about her attendance and progress. Ask about additional support they may offer, like mentoring or tutoring.

Recommended Products for Help

  1. “The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults” by Frances E. Jensen: This book explains the science behind teen behavior and decision-making, which can help you understand and navigate her actions better.

  2. “Parenting a Teen Who Has Intense Emotions” by Pat Harvey and Jeanine A. Penzo: A practical guide to staying calm and effective while addressing challenging teen behaviors.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. With patience, boundaries, and support, you can help your daughter navigate her challenges and find her way back to a healthier path. 💪

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