Should a grandparent be allowed to undermine the parent's discipline method in front of the kids?

 


A Reader Asks:

"Should a grandparent be allowed to undermine the parent's discipline method in front of the kids? Here’s the scenario: I asked my kids about a chore that wasn’t done. Nobody owned up, so I said they’d all face consequences. Cue outbursts and my mom telling me I was wrong. She babysits while I work overnight shifts and often undermines me in situations like this, then threatens to stop watching the kids if I call her out. Am I wrong?"

The Answer:

Oh, the tangled web of family dynamics. First, let’s get one thing straight: no, grandparents should not undermine a parent’s discipline—especially in front of the kids. But let’s break this down because there’s a lot to unpack here.

1. The Consequence Conundrum

Your approach—shared consequences for shared silence—is Parenting 101. If nobody steps up, everyone faces the fallout. It’s fair, it’s logical, and it’s a classic move from the “Mom’s Playbook.” The outbursts? Totally predictable. No kid likes consequences, especially ones they think aren’t 100% their fault. That doesn’t make your method wrong—it just makes you a parent doing your job.

2. Grandma’s Role: Helper, Not Head Coach

Your mom has a vital role as a caregiver, but when it comes to discipline, she’s playing backup, not quarterback. Undermining you in front of the kids sends the message that your authority is negotiable, which is a fast track to Chaos Town.

3. Set Boundaries Without Losing Babysitting

We get it: you need her help. But you also need her to respect your parenting. Try having a calm conversation when the kids aren’t around. Say something like, “Mom, I value everything you do for us, but it’s important for the kids to see us as a team. If you disagree with how I handle something, can we talk about it privately?”

If she threatens to stop babysitting (ugh), remind her that this is about creating a stable environment for the kids. And if that doesn’t work? Start exploring backup plans—local babysitters, after-school programs, or even bartering with other parents.

4. Redefine Expectations for the Kids

Take a family meeting moment to reiterate the ground rules. “Hey, I know you didn’t like the shared consequence approach, but here’s why I did it: when nobody takes responsibility, I have to be fair to everyone.” It might not win you any popularity contests, but it reinforces your authority.

Books for Navigating Tricky Dynamics:

  1. “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Charles Fay and Foster Cline – Helps balance discipline and empathy.
  2. “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – A must-read for setting limits with family.

A Little Humor for Perspective

Grandma threatening to quit babysitting? Classic power move. But hey, if the kids see her undermining you, they might start asking to move in with her—and wouldn’t that be a hoot?

Worth a shot? 💪

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