My soon-to-be ex paid all the back excise taxes and diagnostic charges


 "My soon-to-be ex paid all the back excise taxes and diagnostic charges on a car that the judge said should be signed over to me. The problem? The car is dead—it no longer runs and needs to be scrapped. Instead of having it towed to me, he had it towed to his house, with all my belongings still inside.

My plan was to scrap the car, remove the faulty part, and return it to the auto parts store for a refund. Now he’s claiming he’s helping me by making decisions I didn’t ask for or want. I’m frustrated and wondering why he’s even doing this. Can anyone shed some light on this behavior or share advice on how to handle it?"

My Take:

Your ex’s actions sound more like an attempt to maintain control than an act of genuine help. By paying the taxes and having the car towed to his house, he’s inserting himself into a situation that was supposed to be resolved—and in your hands. Whether it’s out of spite, an attempt to make you feel dependent, or a misguided notion of "helping," it’s clear he’s stepping over boundaries.

Here’s how you might approach this:

1. Understand His Motive (But Don’t Dwell on It)

  • He might genuinely think he’s helping, but more likely, this is about control or avoiding looking bad in front of the judge. Regardless, don’t waste energy figuring out his "why"—focus on resolving the issue.

2. Document Everything

  • Take notes on all interactions about the car, including what he paid, where the car is, and any communication. This could be important if the issue goes back to court.

3. Take Back Control

  • Contact him (preferably in writing) and firmly state that the car and its contents are legally yours and must be returned to you immediately. Be clear that his involvement was not requested or needed.
  • If he doesn’t comply, consider filing a motion to enforce the judge’s order regarding the car.

4. Focus on Your Plan

  • Once the car is returned, stick to your original plan to scrap it, retrieve the faulty part, and get your refund from the auto parts store. This puts money back in your pocket and resolves the issue on your terms.

5. Reflect on the Bigger Picture

  • This situation is a microcosm of your larger relationship dynamics—him making decisions for you without consent. Use this as motivation to set clear boundaries moving forward.

Helpful Resources:

  1. Legal Aid in Your State – Free or low-cost legal help if he continues to interfere with court-ordered decisions.
  2. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by Henry Cloud – A great guide to setting limits with people, available on Amazon.

And remember: His behavior may frustrate you, but the car and its contents are yours. Take steps to regain control and move forward with confidence.

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