My mother-in-law is undermining everything I try to do as a parent.

  She spoils my 15-year-old daughter, giving her everything she wants, waiting on her hand and foot, and treating her like she can do no wrong. She acts like my daughter is still a baby, even though she’s 15.

I encourage my daughter to act her age and develop independence. Yes, she has special educational needs (SEN), and life can be hard, but I know she’s capable of so much more with the right support and gentle encouragement.

Meanwhile, my husband and father-in-law see the problem but do absolutely nothing to address it. My mother-in-law doesn’t treat my 12-year-old son this way—he’s allowed to be age-appropriate and gets nowhere near the same level of attention. He’s noticed, and it’s starting to affect him too.

I feel like I’m constantly losing to my mother-in-law, and part of me just wants to give up and let her have my daughter since they both seem happier without me interfering. And of course, she’s coming to our house for Christmas. 🤬"

My Take:

Okay, let’s start with this: You’re not the bad guy here. What you’re doing—encouraging your daughter to grow, take responsibility, and act her age—is parenting. What your mother-in-law is doing is enabling. These are two very different things.

You’re not losing your daughter, but you are fighting a battle with someone who isn’t playing by the same rules. The key here is to reframe the situation so that you’re focusing on what’s best for your daughter—not what your mother-in-law thinks is best.

1. Recognize What’s Really Happening

  • Your mother-in-law likely believes she’s helping, but her behavior is stunting your daughter’s independence and creating resentment within your family.
  • Her favoritism is also affecting your son, which could create long-term sibling issues if it’s not addressed.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

This doesn’t have to be a shouting match (though I get the temptation). Instead, calmly but firmly:

  • Let her know that you value her relationship with your daughter but that you are the parent.
  • Explain that while you appreciate her love and care, there are areas where you need her to step back so your daughter can develop independence.

3. Get Your Husband on Board

Your husband and father-in-law need to step up. If they see the problem, they need to help address it. Sit your husband down and explain how this is affecting you, your daughter, and your son. Make it clear that his support is non-negotiable.

4. Focus on Your Daughter’s Growth

  • Encouragement Over Control: Instead of directly battling your mother-in-law, shift your focus to empowering your daughter. Show her what she’s capable of achieving on her own.
  • Positive Reinforcement: Celebrate her efforts to be more independent, no matter how small.
  • Gentle Discussions: If she’s old enough, have a conversation about why independence is important for her future.

5. Survive Christmas

The holidays are stressful enough without this dynamic. A few tips:

  • Assign your mother-in-law specific tasks so she’s involved but not overstepping.
  • Keep your interactions polite but firm. If she starts undermining you, redirect the conversation or step away.

Silver Lining:

Your daughter may be gravitating toward your mother-in-law now, but as she grows older, she’ll appreciate the parent who helped her become capable and self-reliant—not the one who kept her dependent.

Helpful Resources:

  1. "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend – A guide to setting boundaries in difficult relationships, available on Amazon.
  2. Special Needs Resources – Support for parents navigating SEN challenges.

Hashtags:
#ParentingChallenges, #TeenIndependence, #SpecialNeedsParenting, #ParentingBoundaries, #FamilyDynamics, #MILDrama, #ParentingWithLove, #RaisingTeens, #ParentingTips, #BlendedFamilyLife, #ToxicFamily, #HolidayStress, #ParentingWins, #StepUpHusband, #SiblingDynamics, #ParentingThroughConflict, #ParentingSupport, #StrongParenting, #SpecialNeedsSupport, #RaisingStrongKids, #MILBoundaries, #ParentingThroughToughTimes, #ParentingLife, #FamilyDrama, #HolidayParenting


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