My daughter has a big friend group of boys and girls.

 




A Reader Asks:

"My daughter has a big friend group of boys and girls. Recently, a boy she was close to deleted her from their group chat, and another boy called him a ‘hero’ for doing it. My daughter is devastated, and nobody will tell her what she did wrong! The second boy seems to stir up drama and bullies her. My instinct is to confront him, but she hates confrontation. She’s already in counseling and on antidepressants. What should I do?"

The Answer:

First, deep breaths, Momma Bear. Your protective instincts are spot-on, but let’s untangle this mess before we storm the group chat with claws out. There’s clearly a lot going on, and it’s not all as simple as "one mean kid."

1. Start With Reflection: Why Might They Want Her Out?

This isn’t about blaming your daughter—it’s about understanding dynamics. Ask her gently:

  • Does she tend to come off as bossy, stuck up, or overly opinionated in group settings?
  • Is she the target of jealousy (too smart, pretty, or liked)?
  • Could her love for everyone sometimes come across as trying too hard or being too much for certain personalities?

These aren’t accusations—they’re avenues to help her see if there’s something about her social interactions that might need adjusting or if these kids are just being jerks.

2. Unmask the Drama King

The second boy sounds like he thrives on attention, especially if he’s positioning himself as the “hero” of the group. Is he jealous of her past closeness with the other boy? Does he feel threatened by her presence or personality? Bullies often act out because they’re insecure.

Encourage your daughter to quietly observe how he treats others in the group. Is he mean to everyone, or does he single her out? This can help you determine if he’s just a toxic personality or if it’s more personal.

3. Teach Her the Power of Graceful Confrontation

If she hates confrontation, help her learn how to do it calmly and confidently. For example:

  • “Hey, I noticed I was removed from the group chat, and it really hurt my feelings. Can you tell me why?”

This kind of approach is disarming—it’s not aggressive, but it gets straight to the point. If she can’t muster the courage to say it, maybe she can write it out in a text.

4. Strengthen Her Circle

Friend groups can be messy, especially at this age. Encourage her to build connections outside of this group. Help her find activities or clubs where she can meet new people who value her for who she is. Sometimes, the best way to deal with a toxic group is to outgrow it.

5. Know When to Step In

You’re right to want to protect her, but direct confrontation might make things worse unless the bullying is extreme or escalating. Focus on empowering her instead. If things get worse, consider involving the school or a neutral third party, like her counselor, to mediate.

Books to Help Navigate Friend Drama:


  1. “Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls” by Rachel Simmons

    • A must-read for understanding female friendships and relational aggression.


  2. “Queen Bees and Wannabes” by Rosalind Wiseman

    • The book that inspired Mean Girls, but with real advice for navigating teen drama.


When in doubt, remind her: “At least you’re not the kid who peaked in middle school drama. Let them have their moment—because your glow-up will be legendary.”

Worth a shot? 👑

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