My 9-year-old has just come out to me as pangender and non-binary

 


A Reader Asks:

"My 9-year-old has just come out to me as pangender and non-binary. I feel like they’re way too young to make such big, life-altering decisions. I’ve reassured them that it’s okay to explore feelings but also told them that their brain is still developing and they’re far from needing to lock anything in. How do I strike the right balance between being supportive and ensuring they don’t make irreversible choices?"

The Answer:
First, let’s acknowledge that you’re coming from a place of love and concern. At 9 years old, your child is in the great identity experiment phase—trying on labels the way they might try on Halloween costumes. This is normal, but it doesn’t mean you’re signing them up for anything permanent.

Why You’re Right to Be Cautious:

The human brain doesn’t fully develop until the mid-20s, particularly the parts responsible for decision-making and long-term planning. While it’s important to support your child emotionally, it’s equally critical to guide them with patience and wisdom.

Think of it this way: you wouldn’t let your child get a tattoo at 9 because you know their preferences and understanding will change as they grow. Gender identity exploration is similar—it's a journey, not a finish line.

How to Balance Support with Boundaries:

  1. Validate Their Feelings Without Rushing Into Decisions:

    • “It’s great that you’re thinking about who you are. At your age, it’s normal to have questions, and there’s plenty of time to figure it out. Let’s take it slow and see how you feel as you grow.”

  2. Encourage Open Dialogue While Setting Limits:

    • Let them express themselves, but make it clear that physical or medical changes are not on the table at this age:
      • “You’re still growing and changing, so right now, we’re going to focus on learning about these feelings together without making big changes to your body.”

  3. Emphasize Their Unique Journey:

    • “You don’t have to rush into anything. Who you are will become clearer as you grow older, and we’ll navigate this together.”

Books to Help Frame Your Perspective:

  1. “Irreversible Damage” by Abigail Shrier

    • Explores the cultural impact of gender identity trends and cautions against irreversible decisions for young children.

  2. “Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue” by Christia Spears Brown

    • Encourages parents to support individuality without leaning into extremes.

  3. “Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain” by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel

    • Explains the developing brain and why it’s important to allow children time to grow before making significant choices.

A Little Humor to Lighten the Load:

Nine-year-olds are experts at changing their minds. Today, it’s pangender; next week, it’s astronaut-pirate-unicorn. Your job is to guide them through this wild ride of self-discovery while making sure they don’t steer the ship into irreversible waters.

Be patient, loving, and firm—it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

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