My 9-year-old daughter just started 4th grade at a new school.

 


A Reader Asks:

"My 9-year-old daughter just started 4th grade at a new school. There’s a group of girls who play together at recess but exclude her. They’re blaming her for knocking over a fairy house (she’s the only one in aftercare, but I know she didn’t do it). I spoke with the Dean of Students, who said they’re aware of the group dynamics and that not everyone needs to be friends, but everyone should be kind and respectful. What would you do in this situation?"

The Answer:

Oh, the fairy house drama—because nothing screams elementary school like pint-sized social politics. Let’s break this down with some practical steps and a sprinkle of humor.

1. The Dean Gave You the “Be Nice” Line

Translation: "We see it, but we’re not about to stage a Disney Channel special to fix it." Schools often take the “kindness and respect” angle, which is fine, but let’s be real—your daughter deserves more than just a side dish of civility.

2. Who Really Killed the Fairy House?

Apparently, this fairy house is the centerpiece of Recess Court. You know your daughter didn’t do it, but her being the last kid in aftercare has painted a target on her. Use this as an opportunity to talk to her about managing misunderstandings:

  • Teach Grace: “Hey, sometimes people will think the wrong thing, but how we respond can help show the truth.”
  • Offer a Reset: Maybe she can suggest rebuilding the fairy house with the group. It’s not about guilt; it’s about showing goodwill.

3. Build Confidence Outside the Group

Your daughter doesn’t need to beg for a spot in the Fairy Fan Club. This is a chance to empower her to find her own tribe:

  • Encourage New Connections: Talk to her about other kids who might feel left out. Maybe there’s another future bestie sitting on the sidelines.
  • Aftercare Advantage: Use her time in aftercare to shine. Maybe she can start an art project or organize a game that other kids want to join in on.

4. Keep the School in the Loop

You’ve already spoken to the Dean (gold star for you!), but keep documenting incidents. If exclusion escalates to outright bullying, you’ll need a record to push for action.

Books for Navigating the Social Jungle:

  1. “The Unwritten Rules of Friendship” by Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore – Spot-on advice for helping kids build relationships.
  2. “Little Girls Can Be Mean” by Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert – A guide to navigating the ups and downs of girl friendships.

Remind your daughter that fairy houses are temporary, but her awesomeness is permanent. One day, those girls might wish they were part of her crew.

Worth a shot? 💕

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