My 3-year-old daughter used to love going to her dad’s


 A Reader Asks:

*"My 3-year-old daughter used to love going to her dad’s, but now every time I mention it’s time to go, she starts kicking, screaming, making herself throw up, and hiding. She says she doesn’t like him, and I feel like she knows what she’s saying.

Her dad doesn’t give her much attention, and she mostly spends time with his mom when she’s there. His mom insists they have fun, but it’s breaking my heart to see her so upset. What can I do?"*

The Answer:
Ah, toddlers—they’re small, adorable tornadoes of raw emotion, and when they’re upset, they’re not exactly subtle. While this situation is heartbreaking, it’s also an opportunity to uncover what’s really going on and how to help her feel safe.

Step 1: Validate Her Feelings

At 3, your daughter may not have the words to explain her distress, but her actions are speaking loud and clear. Let her know her feelings are okay:

  • “I see that you’re really upset about going to Dad’s. Can you tell me what makes you feel that way?”
    Even if she can’t fully articulate it, you’re showing her you’re listening.

Step 2: Investigate the Cause

You mentioned Dad isn’t very attentive—kids notice that. A lack of connection with him could be the root issue. If she’s spending most of her time with his mom, it’s possible she feels unsupported by Dad and craves the kind of nurturing she gets from you.

If you can, have a calm, non-confrontational conversation with him:

  • “She’s been really upset about coming over. Maybe we can brainstorm ways to help her feel more comfortable?”

Step 3: Make Transitions Easier

Transitions are tough for toddlers. Try these strategies to reduce her anxiety:

  • Comfort Object: Let her bring a favorite toy or blanket for security.
  • Routine Checklists: Create a fun "going to Dad's" checklist to give her a sense of control.
  • Shorter Drop-Offs: Keep goodbyes quick and positive to avoid prolonged distress.

Step 4: Consider Professional Support

If her anxiety persists or worsens, consider a child therapist. A professional can help identify underlying issues and teach coping mechanisms for both her and you.

Books to Help You Navigate This:


  1. “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

    • A great guide for understanding your child’s emotions and how to respond effectively.


  2. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

    • Provides excellent tips for open communication with children of all ages.

A Little Humor to Keep You Going:

Toddlers are like tiny detectives—they know who’s paying attention and who’s just there for appearances. Your job isn’t just to survive these dramatic transitions but to remind her she has one steady, loving constant: you. And maybe keep a supply of towels handy for the throwing-up part.

Worth a shot?

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