My 3-year-old daughter has started kicking, screaming, and even making herself throw up when it’s time to go to her dad’s

 


A Reader Asks: "My 3-year-old daughter has started kicking, screaming, and even making herself throw up when it’s time to go to her dad’s for his parenting time. She used to love going, but now she’s terrified and says she doesn’t like him. She’s only 3, but it feels like she knows what she’s saying.

He lives with his parents, and his mom swears they always have fun when she’s there, but it’s clear she’s not getting much attention from him. This is breaking my heart and feels traumatizing for her. What can I do to help her feel better about going?"*

My Answer:
Ah, the toddler tantrum—every parent’s favorite “is this a phase or a lifetime commitment to chaos?” dilemma. But when it’s tied to custody transitions, it goes from frustrating to heartbreaking real quick. Let’s dive into this with some humor and a plan because you’ve got this.

Step 1: Decode the Drama

At 3 years old, your daughter’s vocabulary might not include “attachment issues” or “I’d prefer Grandma’s nurturing over Dad’s detachment,” but her behavior is doing all the talking. If she’s having a full-on meltdown, it’s her way of saying something’s off—whether it’s her emotions, the environment, or her dad’s attention span.

Step 2: Keep Calm and Parent On

When drop-off becomes a Jerry Springer episode, the goal is to ease her into the transition:

  • A Pre-Dad Pep Talk:

    • “You’re going to have fun with Grandma and Dad! I’ll miss you, but I can’t wait to hear about all the fun things you did.”
    • Sell it like a vacation package—kids love a good sales pitch.

  • Comfort Items:

    • Pack her favorite blanket, stuffed animal, or that one random toy she can’t live without. A piece of home can make her feel safe.

  • Short Goodbyes:

    • Long farewells can feed the drama. Keep it short and sweet:
      • “I love you, and I’ll see you soon!” Then exit stage left.

Step 3: Talk to Dad (Without Starting a War)

This is the tough part—co-parenting with someone who sounds less Super Dad and more Inattentive Uncle. Approach the conversation lightly:

  • “She’s been having a hard time with transitions. Can we work together to make her feel more comfortable?”
  • Suggest some activities they can do together—ones that don’t involve ‘pass the toddler to Grandma’ as Plan A.

Step 4: Monitor for Real Issues

If her fear escalates or you notice any signs that go beyond separation anxiety (like drastic behavioral changes), consider involving a neutral third party, like a child therapist, to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

Books to Help You Navigate This Circus:


  1. “Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex” by Amy J.L. Baker and Paul R. Fine

    • A guide to managing co-parenting challenges while keeping your child’s best interests front and center.


  2. “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

    • Perfect for understanding how your 3-year-old processes emotions and how to guide her through them.


  3. “Two Homes” by Claire Masurel

    • A simple, reassuring children’s book to help your daughter feel secure about having two homes.

A Little Humor to Keep You Sane:

Toddlers are like tiny, irrational bosses. One day they love their dad’s house, the next day they act like you’re sending them to a dungeon. You’re not a bad parent; you’re just dealing with a 3-year-old who has the emotional range of a reality TV contestant.

Hang in there. This phase will pass, and someday she’ll thank you for being her anchor in the chaos (probably when she’s 30).

Worth a shot?

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