My 16-year-old granddaughter has lived with us since she was 18 months.


 A Reader Asks:

My 16-year-old granddaughter has lived with us since she was 18 months. Over the last two years, she’s changed completely. She’s joined a group of friends who skip school and disappear for days. She’s now doing the same—becoming violent, aggressive, stealing from us and shops. When she finally comes home, it’s chaos. She’s threatened self-harm with a knife, lied to the police, and claimed we locked her out when we didn’t.

To ease tensions, we all agreed she’d move to a refuge, which we now pay $100 per week for. The refuge has asked if she can come home for Christmas Day. My family—including her sister and cousin, who live here—don’t want her to. Frankly, I’m not sure I do either. Everyone feels she’s caused too much pain and trouble, and we now have police and child services involved.

What should we do? Should we let her come home for Christmas despite everything, or stick to our boundaries?

My Take:
First, let’s acknowledge the emotional toll this has taken on you and your family. It’s incredibly difficult to navigate these situations when the person you love most has caused so much hurt. You’re stuck between protecting your family’s peace and giving your granddaughter the love she clearly still needs—despite her actions.

Now, about Christmas Day. This isn’t just about letting her come home; it’s about setting boundaries that balance compassion with accountability. Here’s how you might approach this:

  • Have a conversation with the refuge staff. They’ve likely seen situations like this before and may have insights into how she’s been behaving there. Ask if they believe she’s in a place emotionally and behaviorally where a family visit could be productive or if it might trigger more issues.

  • Set clear terms for a visit. If she does come home, establish rules beforehand: no violence, no arguments, and a time limit for the visit. Make it clear this is an opportunity for her to reconnect with family—not a free pass to pick up where she left off.

  • Focus on smaller steps. Instead of inviting her for the whole day, consider a short visit—perhaps a couple of hours for lunch. This allows her to see the family while minimizing the chances of conflict.

  • Protect your peace. If the idea of her being there makes you anxious or fearful, listen to that feeling. You’re allowed to prioritize your well-being and the harmony of the household. This doesn’t mean closing the door on her forever—it means creating a safe space for everyone, including her.

Finally, remember this isn’t just about Christmas. It’s about laying the groundwork for healing. Keep involving child services, police, and mental health professionals. They might seem unhelpful now, but persistence can eventually lead to support systems that work.

Helpful Reads:

  1. "Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free" by Nancy Levin – Learn how to set compassionate but firm boundaries with people you love.
  2. "Parenting the Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene – A guide to understanding and managing challenging behaviors in teens.

You’re doing the best you can in an impossible situation. Stay strong, and take care of yourself too.

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