My 14-year-old daughter has been spending many afternoons and evenings at a friend's house, supposedly studying with her female friend and others.

 


"My 14-year-old daughter has been spending many afternoons and evenings at a friend's house, supposedly studying with her female friend and others. She often doesn’t get home until around 10 PM. While her mom doesn’t seem to be concerned, I am. I’m not even sure if she’s really studying or just hanging out. How do I handle this?"

My Take: First off, you’re right to be concerned—it’s your job as a parent to make sure your daughter’s time is being spent safely and productively. That said, jumping straight to “What’s she up to?” can backfire with teens. They’re pros at shutting down when they feel accused, so tread carefully.

Start with a calm, non-confrontational conversation. Something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been out late a lot lately, and I just want to make sure everything’s okay. Can we talk about what you’ve been up to?” This gives her a chance to explain without feeling judged.

Next, set boundaries that still give her independence. For example:

  • Establish a clear curfew, like 8 PM on school nights.
  • Offer to drop her off or pick her up occasionally. Not only does this keep you involved, but it also gives you a window into what’s happening.

If she insists she’s studying, ask her to show you some of the work she’s done or invite her friends to study at your place sometimes. That way, you can keep an eye on things without hovering.

Helpful Resources:

  1. "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish – A guide to communicating effectively with teens, available on Amazon.
  2. Teen Safe – Apps and tips to monitor your teen’s location and activities while respecting their privacy.

And remember: Your goal isn’t to control her—it’s to guide her. Showing concern and setting limits isn’t about being “the strict parent”; it’s about being the one who cares.

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