My 13-year-old is very disrespectful, swears at me, and tells me to shut up or go away.

 


A Reader Asks:

"My 13-year-old is very disrespectful, swears at me, and tells me to shut up or go away. I tell her off every time and say, ‘Don’t speak to me like that,’ but nothing seems to change. How do others deal with this?"

The Answer:

Ah, the teenage sass—a rite of passage for them, and a stress test for us. Let’s break this down with a mix of humor, strategy, and maybe a little parental Jedi mind trick.

Step 1: Check Your Calm

First things first, do not engage in a shouting match. Your calm is kryptonite to her drama. She says, “Shut up!” You respond, “I’m sorry, were you speaking to the ceiling? Because I know you weren’t talking to me.” Keep your voice calm and steady; it’s oddly infuriating to them, and that’s the point.

Step 2: Natural Consequences

Every action has a consequence. Want to mouth off at Mom? Cool, but guess who’s doing their own laundry this week? Or, better yet, hand her a toothbrush and send her to scrub the bathroom while she ponders her life choices.

Step 3: The Respect Bank

Introduce the concept of the Respect Bank. It works like this: if she’s rude, she’s "overdrawn." No rides, no extra privileges, and no Wi-Fi password until she earns it back. Want to stay connected? Better start saying “please” and “thank you.”

Step 4: Clear Boundaries

It’s time for a family meeting. Lay down the law: “We don’t swear at each other in this house. If you’re upset, use your words, not your fists or sailor vocabulary.” Write it down, stick it on the fridge, and enforce it like the unwritten rule about not finishing the last cookie without asking.

Step 5: What’s Beneath the Attitude?

Sometimes disrespect is the smoke, not the fire. Is she stressed? Feeling unheard? Hitting the lovely hormonal rollercoaster? Schedule some 1:1 time where you just listen—no advice, no lectures, just validation. (Okay, maybe one little "Mom knows best" comment if you can’t help it.)

Recommended Reading:

Here are two Amazon gems to help you sharpen your mom game:

  1. “How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
  2. “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers” by Gary Chapman

Both are like parenting cheat codes for this stage of life.

When she tells you to shut up, lean in close and whisper, “Oh, honey, you’re gonna need me to pick you up from somewhere soon. Tread lightly.” Watch the gears turn.

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