My 13-year-old daughter just started high school, and it’s been a challenging year for her.

 


"My 13-year-old daughter just started high school, and it’s been a challenging year for her. She doesn’t enjoy school much, and we’ve also had a significant family loss. I recently received her report card, and her grades are average (55-70%), with teachers suggesting she could improve with more revision and better organization.

She doesn’t do much schoolwork at home, but her schedule is packed—she leaves at 7:30 a.m. and gets home around 4 p.m. Her mental health is my top priority, and overall, she’s doing well in that regard.

She’s now asking for a gym membership, which I’m open to supporting, but I’m wondering if I should tie it to improving her school habits. I want school to be a positive experience for her, not something stressful, but I also want her to put in a little more effort. Any advice on how to balance this?"

My Take:

First off, you’re approaching this the right way by prioritizing your daughter’s mental health. High school is a big transition, and with a family loss on top of that, it’s not surprising that she’s struggling to stay motivated. The fact that you’re aware of her workload, her mindset, and her well-being is already a win.

Here’s how you might approach this:

Set Realistic Expectations

  • Focus on improvement, not perfection. Instead of expecting her to hit straight A’s, encourage small, measurable goals, like spending 20 minutes reviewing math or writing one extra paragraph for English.

Tie Privileges to Effort, Not Outcomes

  • Linking the gym membership to school effort is a great idea, but make it about her commitment rather than her grades. For example, "You can have the membership as long as you spend 30 minutes three times a week reviewing or organizing your schoolwork." This shifts the focus to effort rather than pressure to achieve.

Make It Manageable

  • Help her set up a system to stay on top of schoolwork. A simple planner or a homework chart can work wonders. Offer to sit down with her once a week to plan her study time.

Balance is Key

  • Make sure she still has time for things she enjoys. The gym can be a healthy outlet for stress, and it’s important she has activities outside of school that make her happy.

Stay Involved Without Micromanaging

  • Keep an open dialogue about her feelings toward school. If she knows you’re a partner in her success rather than someone holding her accountable for every misstep, she’ll be more likely to open up and trust your guidance.

Helpful Resources:

  1. "The Gift of Failure" by Jessica Lahey – A fantastic book on helping kids build resilience and motivation, available on Amazon.
  2. Quizlet or Khan Academy – Free online tools that make studying more engaging and accessible for teens.

And remember: High school is a marathon, not a sprint. Supporting her mental well-being while fostering a growth mindset will set her up for long-term success.

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