My 11-year-old stepdaughter admitted she's been trying to split up my wife and me.

 


A reader asks:

"My 11-year-old stepdaughter admitted she's been trying to split up my wife and me. She thinks she's entitled to everything she wants and doesn’t appreciate what we provide for her. After having her electronics taken away, she demanded we buy her an outfit for her school choir concert, claiming we have to let her go. I'm at a loss for how to handle this situation."

My take:
Welcome to the high-stakes chess game of parenting a preteen mastermind! It sounds like your stepdaughter’s got a Ph.D. in manipulation and a minor in audacity. Here’s how to approach this:

First, take a deep breath. Preteens act out for many reasons—fear of losing control, jealousy, testing boundaries—but the good news is, her admission means she’s at least honest about her motives (or terrible at keeping secrets).

  1. Team Up with Your Wife:
    United fronts win battles. Sit down with your wife and decide on clear, consistent expectations and consequences for your stepdaughter. If she sees cracks in your teamwork, she’ll wiggle through like a determined house cat under a locked door.

  2. Shift the Power Dynamic:
    She thinks she’s running the show, so it’s time to remind her who the grown-ups are. Calmly but firmly set boundaries:
    “We’re here to provide you with love, stability, and the basics. Extras like concerts and new outfits? Those come with respect and responsibility.”

  3. Use the Choir Concert as a Teachable Moment:
    Instead of refusing outright, make the concert a reward for improved behavior:
    “We’ll consider getting you to the concert if you show respect and effort at home. Start by helping us understand why you feel the need to act this way.”
    Make her work for it—not just by cleaning her room, but by demonstrating changed behavior.

  4. Open the Floor for Feelings:
    Often, kids act out because they don’t know how to handle their emotions. Give her space to talk (or rant) about what’s really bugging her. A lot of times, they’re just scared of change or feeling left out.

  5. Stay Calm and Collected:
    Losing your cool only feeds her narrative. Keep your responses matter-of-fact. If she pushes, use phrases like, “We’ll discuss this when everyone’s calm,” and walk away. A power struggle isn’t worth your sanity.

Two Amazon Picks:

Remember, kids don’t come with instruction manuals, and preteens? They’re like trying to figure out an IKEA piece with no directions. Keep your boundaries, stay united, and don’t forget to laugh about this with your wife later—it’s a bonding moment waiting to happen.

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