I’ve been divorced for 3 years and dating an amazing man for 2.5 years

 


A Reader Asks:

*"I’ve been divorced for 3 years and dating an amazing man for 2.5 years. My 13-year-old daughter still refuses to acknowledge his existence—no ‘hi,’ no eye contact, and if she sees him in public, she walks the other way.

In the beginning, I didn’t push her to interact if she wasn’t comfortable. Unfortunately, her father didn’t help, initially making her think my dating hurt him. Now, he’s moved 7 hours away to ‘get his life together’ and plans to return for 50/50 custody by June. Meanwhile, my daughter’s become more of a hermit and withdrawn, though we generally have a good relationship.

My boyfriend is understanding, but with her dad gone, I can’t visit him as often. He plans to come over more, and I’m overwhelmed by how her behavior is affecting my relationship with both of them. Do I give her space to warm up? Do I insist she says ‘hi’? Therapy is in the works for the new year, but what can I do now?"*

The Answer:
Ah, teenagers: the magical mix of hormonal chaos, emotional sabotage, and a pinch of “How can I make Mom’s life harder today?” Let’s break this down with equal parts strategy, humor, and hope.

1. Understand Her Perspective (Even If It’s Dramatic)

From her point of view, your boyfriend is the enemy, sent to destroy the fortress of her comfort zone. Add her dad’s early guilt-tripping into the mix, and she’s built an emotional moat around herself. The hermit act? Classic avoidance behavior.

Let her know you get it without condoning it:

  • “I know this has been a big change, and it’s okay to feel weird about it. But shutting yourself off isn’t going to make things better for you—or anyone else.”

2. Set Some Basic Expectations (Because You’re Still the Boss)

You’re not asking her to host a tea party, just to acknowledge your boyfriend’s existence.

  • Start small: A simple “hi” or a head nod when he walks in the door.
  • Be firm but calm: “It’s basic respect, and it’s non-negotiable. You don’t have to be best friends, but you do have to be polite.”

Don’t let her dictate your relationships, but don’t force overnight bonding either.

3. Keep the Relationship Low-Key (For Now)

Instead of pushing family dinners, try neutral interactions:

  • Game night?
  • Watching a movie?
  • A “casual” meetup while she’s doing something she enjoys, so it feels less forced.

Her warming up will take time, but you can lay the groundwork for connection without pressure.

4. Therapy Is a Lifesaver (You’re on the Right Track)

A therapist can help her process her emotions and learn to communicate better—without you being the villain in her story. Good call scheduling this for the new year.

Books to Help You Stay Sane:


  1. “Parenting a Teen Girl” by Lucie Hemmen

    • Fantastic for navigating the emotional rollercoaster of teen girls.


  2. “The Co-Parenting Handbook” by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little

    • Helps you manage the emotional fallout of divorce while keeping kids at the center.


  3. “Blended: The Step-Parent’s Playbook” by Sara and Jeff Collins

    • A guide for integrating a new partner into the family with less drama.


Teenagers are like cats: they’ll ignore someone for years and then suddenly sit on their lap like it was their idea all along. Keep the faith, set the boundaries, and let therapy do its magic. She might not say “hi” now, but by the time she’s 30, she’ll probably write you an essay on how much she appreciates your patience.

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