I’m really struggling with my 11-year-old daughter


A Reader Asks:
*"I’m really struggling with my 11-year-old daughter. She’s perfect everywhere else—polite, kind, well-behaved—but the moment it’s just the two of us, it’s like she’s auditioning for a drama series.

 Oh, welcome to the I Hate Everything Stage. It’s a real phase, and yes, it’s as emotionally draining as it sounds. First, let’s give you a round of applause for staying calm because most parents would’ve handed her the printer and said, “Here, it’s your problem now.”

This isn’t about your daughter being a bad kid (she’s not)—it’s about her figuring out how to process big emotions in a safe space. And guess what? You’re her safe space, which means you’re getting the unedited director’s cut of all her feelings. Let’s figure out how to survive this storm of tears, moans, and rejected Christmas movies.

What’s Really Going On?

  1. She’s Testing Boundaries:
    At 11, kids are trying to figure out how much control they actually have—and you, dear parent, are the unfortunate test subject. When she feels like she can’t control something big (like emotions or situations), she focuses on little things: dinner, movies, and yes, coloring pages.

  2. Big Emotions, Little Vocabulary:
    She’s experiencing a whirlwind of feelings but doesn’t yet know how to articulate them. Instead, it comes out as whining, crying, and frustration. Fun, right?

  3. Jealousy Is a Big Factor:
    Your boyfriend sounds great, but she’s competing for your attention. Even if she doesn’t consciously know it, she wants to make sure she’s still your number one.

How to Handle This (Without Losing Your Mind):

  1. Flip the Script:
    When she starts moaning about something, meet her energy with humor:

    • “What? You hate ALL the movies? Even the one about the cute dog? Wow, tough critic!”
      Turning it into a joke can diffuse her mood and remind her that not everything has to be serious.

  2. Set Boundaries (With Kindness):
    Let her know what’s okay and what’s not.

    • “I’ll print you four pictures, but that’s it for today. If you’re upset, it’s okay to feel that way, but whining won’t change the limit.”
      Consistency is key.

  3. Give Her Small Choices:
    Kids love control, so give her some—but on your terms.

    • “Do you want chicken or pasta for dinner?”
    • “Which one movie would you like to watch?”
      She feels empowered, but you’re still steering the ship.

  4. Address the Jealousy Head-On:
    Reassure her of her place in your life.

    • “I know it’s hard sharing me with [boyfriend’s name]. You’re my first priority, and I love you more than anything. Let’s spend some special time together just us this weekend.”

  5. Teach Emotional Language:
    Help her put words to what she’s feeling.

    • “You seem upset—are you feeling frustrated, sad, or something else?”
      It might feel awkward at first, but this skill will help her handle emotions better as she grows.

Three Books to Save Your Sanity:

  1. “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

    • A classic, packed with practical tips for communication and conflict resolution.

  2. “Parenting a Strong-Willed Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

    • A lifesaver for parents navigating power struggles and emotional outbursts.

  3. “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

    • Learn how to work with your child’s brain development to handle big emotions.

Final Thoughts:

You’re not failing; you’re just parenting a tween who’s decided you’re her emotional dumping ground. It’s exhausting, yes, but it’s also a sign that she trusts you completely. (A bittersweet honor, really.)

Keep setting boundaries, sprinkling in humor, and reminding her she’s loved. And when all else fails? Take a moment for yourself, pour a glass of wine, and print yourself a picture that says, “Supermom.”

Worth a shot?

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