I’m at my wit’s end with my 12-year-old (almost 13)

 

"We just came back from a week-long family holiday where she ignored her 7-year-old sister the entire time to hang out with her friend, who we had invited along. I wasn’t happy about it, but I figured I’d just stick to family-only trips in the future.

Now that we’re home, it’s been three days of sulking, being glued to her phone, and rejecting every suggestion I make—playing games, watching a movie, you name it. I tried to cut her some slack at first, thinking she was just tired or feeling down about being back home. But now I’m over it.

She’s off school for the next month, and I’m working from home. I can’t deal with her miserable attitude for the rest of the break. How do I handle this?"

My Take:

First off, let’s acknowledge something: A 6-year age difference at this stage of childhood is massive. Your older daughter is navigating the early teen years—where independence and socializing with peers feel everything—while your younger daughter is still squarely in childhood, looking to her sister for play and connection. They’re in completely different worlds right now, and that’s okay.

1. Acknowledge Her Feelings (Without Excusing the Behavior)

Your 12-year-old probably came back from the trip feeling emotionally drained. Add in the hormonal storm of her age, and voilà: a walking, talking attitude bomb.

  • Start with a conversation: “I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling down since we got back. Want to talk about it?”
  • Even if she brushes you off, showing empathy can open the door for her to express herself later.

2. Limit the Phone, but Offer Structure

Her phone is her safe haven right now, but unlimited screen time will only deepen the funk. Instead of just saying, “No phone,” offer clear, structured alternatives:

  • Set a daily phone time limit.
  • Create a schedule for activities—baking, crafts, short outings, or even a chore she gets rewarded for completing.

3. The Sister Dynamic

Your younger daughter likely feels left out, but expecting the older one to bridge the gap isn’t realistic right now. Instead:

  • Plan activities that include both kids but don’t rely on your older daughter taking the lead (like family game night or baking).
  • Help your younger one understand the age difference: “Your sister’s going through a phase where she needs space, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.”

4. Boredom Is an Opportunity

When your 12-year-old says she’s bored, it’s an opening for you to encourage independence. Don’t feel pressured to solve her boredom for her:

  • “It’s okay to feel bored sometimes—it helps you figure out what you enjoy.”
  • Suggest solo activities: journaling, learning a new skill (YouTube tutorials are your friend!), or starting a simple project like scrapbooking.

5. Make Her Feel Heard, Not Pushed

At 12, she’s testing boundaries and trying to carve out her identity. Pushing her too hard to “snap out of it” could make her dig her heels in deeper. Approach her with curiosity, not demands, and set firm but loving boundaries.

Silver Lining:
This attitude phase is just that—a phase. With gentle guidance, patience, and structure, she’ll work through it and come out stronger on the other side.

Helpful Resources:

  1. "Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood" by Lisa Damour – A must-read for parents of preteens and teens, available on Amazon.
  2. Parenting Tweens Tips – Strategies for navigating this tricky age.

Hashtags:
#ParentingTweens, #RaisingTeens, #SiblingDynamics, #ParentingSupport, #PreteenParenting, #TeenBoredom, #FamilyConnection, #ParentingWins, #ParentingChallenges, #TweenAttitude, #ParentingTips, #NavigatingAdolescence, #FamilyLife, #PositiveParenting, #SiblingRelationships, #ParentingJourney, #PreteenYears, #RaisingStrongKids, #FamilyDynamics, #BoredomSolutions, #ParentingTweensAndTeens, #ParentingThroughPhases, #GrowingUp, #TweenMoodSwings

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