I recently found out that a couple I’ve considered very close friends for many years have harsh opinions about my 17-year-old daughter.

 

"I recently found out that a couple I’ve considered very close friends for many years have harsh opinions about my 17-year-old daughter. My daughter is an honor roll student, an altar server (though they think that’s inappropriate for a girl), and an all-around great person.

They criticized her for wearing crop tops and a long-sleeve V-neck dress—outfits other people at church have complimented her on—calling her style 'slutty' and 'trashy.' They even casually discuss her belly button in their home because of the crop tops she wears.

They also said my daughter and her 17-year-old boyfriend (not their son) shouldn’t be allowed to walk around the neighborhood holding hands or getting ice cream together.

I’m struggling to get past this. Their comments feel hurtful and completely off-base. Do you think this is something I can forgive?"

My Take:

First, let me say that your feelings are completely valid. Your daughter sounds like a kind, well-rounded, and respectful young woman, and it’s painful to hear such unfair and intrusive judgments from people you considered close friends.

What’s more concerning is their behavior—it goes beyond judgment into something that feels nosy and inappropriate. Criticizing your daughter’s clothing, especially when it’s age-appropriate and weather-appropriate, is intrusive. The fact that they’re discussing her belly button at all? A whole other level of uncomfortable.

Here’s how you might approach this:

1. Decide If You Want to Address It Directly

  • If this friendship still matters to you, consider calmly confronting them. Something like, “I was deeply hurt by your comments about my daughter. I value our friendship, but it’s important for me to defend my child when unfair judgments are made about her.”
  • Their response will tell you a lot about whether this friendship is worth continuing.

2. Reflect on Your Boundaries

  • It’s okay to take a step back from this friendship, even permanently. People who can’t respect your child and your parenting don’t deserve to hold a close spot in your life.

3. Protect Your Daughter From Their Comments

  • It’s best not to share their hurtful words with your daughter. She doesn’t need to carry the burden of their unwarranted criticism.

4. Focus on Your Real Tribe

  • Surround yourself with people who build your family up, not tear it down. True friends celebrate your daughter’s accomplishments and character, not judge her clothing or friendships.

Forgivable?
That depends on how they respond if you address this. Do they apologize sincerely and show a willingness to change? Or do they double down on their judgments? Either way, forgiveness doesn’t mean continuing the relationship—it just means you’re choosing to let go of the hurt for your own peace.

Helpful Resources:

  1. "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab – A great book for managing relationships and setting healthy limits, available on Amazon.

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