I need help boosting my teen daughter’s confidence.

 


A reader asks:

I need help boosting my teen daughter’s confidence. She is amazing at so many things, but the real issue is that her best friend (since infants) gets all the attention and is constantly in the spotlight. This friend made varsity team as a freshman, won the top athletic award, named homecoming queen, taking advanced classes and getting straight As, gets asked by all the teachers to do special tasks, presenting to parents, MC the talent show, etc. She is overwhelmingly popular with her classmates, teachers, and the coaches. My daughter is living in her shadow and feels like she is just mediocre next to her friend. I try bragging and telling her all the ways she shines, but I need a better way to boost her confidence.

My take:

Ah, the "golden bestie" conundrum—it's like having your own personal Beyoncé, and your daughter feels more like an underappreciated Kelly Rowland. First, let’s acknowledge your daughter’s feelings. Living in the shadow of someone who seems to win all the awards and accolades can make anyone feel "meh," no matter how amazing they are. But here's the deal: your daughter doesn’t need to outshine her friend. She needs to see that she shines in her own light.

Start by reframing the narrative. Talk to your daughter about how her friend's successes don’t diminish her own. They’re different people with unique strengths. Maybe her friend is the varsity-athlete-talent-show-MC type, but what is your daughter? The creative? The loyal friend? The future CEO? Celebrate her individuality, not as a counter to her friend but as its own thing. After all, the world doesn’t need two homecoming queens—it needs her authentic self.

Practical tips:

  1. Focus on personal passions: Encourage your daughter to dive into activities where she feels alive and valued. Whether it’s art, music, coding, or volunteering, help her discover her “thing” that makes her beam with pride.

  2. Take inventory of her awesomeness: Sometimes teens need help seeing their own greatness. Create a "Brag Book" or vision board together. Add her achievements, compliments from others, and even those small wins (like nailing a pancake flip). Seeing her wins visually can help build her confidence.

  3. Introduce mentors: Find role models in areas your daughter loves. If she’s into writing, find a local journalist to chat with her. Passionate about animals? Set her up to volunteer at a shelter. People outside the family validating her interests can work wonders.

  4. Compliment her friend without comparison: Let her know it’s okay to admire her friend while still being proud of her own path. Confidence grows when she realizes that admiration isn’t a competition—it’s a sign of strength.

Books that can help:


  • "The Confidence Code for Girls" by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman:     A guide to navigating friendships, confidence, and self-esteem with humor and practicality.

  • "Brave, Not Perfect" by Reshma Saujani:     Helps young women embrace imperfection and step into their own spotlight.

The spotlight doesn’t have to shine on just one person—it’s big enough for everyone. Help your daughter build her own stage, where she’s the star of her story. And hey, being Kelly Rowland isn’t so bad—she’s got Grammys, too.

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