I need advice. My stepsons, 13 and 15, are very cold to me, and I have no idea how to fix it

 


A Reader Asks:

"Hi. I need advice. My stepsons, 13 and 15, are very cold to me, and I have no idea how to fix it.

The 13-year-old has never hugged me in the seven years I’ve been in their lives, and the 15-year-old tells me to ‘shut the hell up.’ I’m feeling like it might be time for me to move out. Am I wrong for thinking this way?"*

The Answer:

Let’s start by saying: You are not alone. Blending families is like trying to mix oil and water—sometimes it takes a lot of shaking to get it to come together. You’ve been patient for seven years, which deserves a medal, or at least a chocolate bar. Here’s how to keep your sanity and maybe even thaw the icy dynamic.

1. The Hugless 13-Year-Old

Okay, let’s face it: Some kids just aren’t huggers. It’s not personal—it’s just how they’re wired. Instead of focusing on the lack of physical affection, look for other ways he might be connecting with you, even if it’s subtle.

  • Does he ask for help with anything? That’s his way of bonding.
  • Does he tolerate your presence during family activities? That’s a win too.

Pro tip: Let the hugs go for now. You’ll have better luck befriending a feral cat.

2. The Sassy 15-Year-Old

Teenagers are like sarcasm factories, and unfortunately, step-parents are often the first customers. When he tells you to “shut the hell up,” try responding with calm sarcasm instead of anger:

  • “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a degree in manners! Let me take notes.”
    Or, if you’re feeling zen:
  • “That’s a hurtful way to talk. I’m here to support you, not argue.”

You’re the adult, so show him what respect looks like, even when he’s handing you nothing but attitude.

3. Consider the Bigger Picture

The coldness may not be about you at all. Divorce, remarriage, and adolescence create a cocktail of emotions that make kids act out in weird ways. Their behavior might be their way of processing feelings about loyalty to their biological parents.

4. Communication with Their Dad

Have you talked to their father about how you’re feeling? He needs to be part of this conversation and back you up when boundaries are crossed. If the 15-year-old is being disrespectful, your partner should step in with, “Hey, that’s not how we treat people in this house.”

5. Therapy: A Family Tune-Up

Therapy isn’t just for crises—it’s a great tool for blended families trying to navigate tricky dynamics. A neutral third party can help everyone feel heard and understood.

When Moving Out Feels Tempting

It’s okay to feel like you’re at your limit. But before you pack your bags, ask yourself:

  • “Am I leaving because I think it’ll solve the problem, or because I need a break?”
  • If it’s the latter, try carving out some time for yourself instead. Recharge your batteries and revisit the situation with fresh energy.

Books to Help You Stay Sane in Step-Parenting:


  1. “Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do” by Wednesday Martin

    • A witty and validating guide for stepmoms navigating tricky waters.


  2. “Blended: The Stepfamily Love and Logic Way” by Jim Fay and Foster Cline

    • Practical strategies for building stronger relationships in blended families.


Think of step-parenting as being a referee for a game where you’re not even sure of the rules, and the players didn’t agree to the game. But hey, at least you’re trying, which already makes you a winner.

Worth a shot?

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