I have a 14-year-old daughter I just can’t seem to connect with.

 


A Reader Asks:

*"I have a 14-year-old daughter I just can’t seem to connect with. Either me, my mom, or my brother has to take time from work every day during her lunch break to talk to her, or she’ll hide at her locker. I’ve tried suggesting alternatives like going to the library, but she refuses.

Recently, I found out she hasn’t been attending a class I drop her off at every weekend. When I asked why, she said it’s because she gets anxious 😟. I always thought we could talk about everything, but now she shuts down and doesn’t want to try anything. I’m at my wits' end—any advice?"*

The Answer:
Welcome to the teen angst obstacle course! First, let’s acknowledge that parenting a 14-year-old is like trying to solve a puzzle with pieces that keep changing shape. The anxiety and avoidance are signs she’s struggling, not shutting you out entirely, so take a deep breath—we’re here to figure this out.

1. Normalize Her Anxiety While Offering Small Wins

Teenagers love saying “no” to everything, so take the pressure off by offering low-stakes options:

  • “I get that lunch is overwhelming. Would it feel better to eat outside or in a quieter spot with a friend?”
  • If she’s resistant to new solutions, remind her baby steps are okay. “Even sitting in the library for five minutes is a win. We’ll build from there.”

2. Address the Avoidance Head-On (With Empathy):

Skipping class and hiding are ways of coping with feelings she doesn’t know how to handle. Instead of focusing on the behavior, focus on her emotions:

  • “I know anxiety can feel huge sometimes, but avoiding things doesn’t make it smaller. Let’s find a way to face this together.”

3. Take the Pressure Off Talking to You:

If she feels overwhelmed by always talking to family, try opening another avenue:

  • Suggest journaling, texting, or even an app designed to manage anxiety (because teens and their phones are BFFs).

Books to Help You and Her:


  1. “Anxiety Relief for Teens” by Regine Galanti

    • A guide with practical exercises for teens to manage anxiety.


  2. “Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood” by Lisa Damour

    • Great for understanding what’s going on in her head and how to navigate it as a parent.

A Little Humor to Keep You Going:

Parenting a 14-year-old is like talking to someone on dial-up internet—you get bits of connection between long silences, and just when you think you’re getting through, the signal drops. But hang in there—you’re doing better than you think.

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