I had a bit of a clash with my 12-year-old about our upcoming holiday parenting time.

 


A Reader Asks:

*"I had a bit of a clash with my 12-year-old about our upcoming holiday parenting time. Due to years of limited visits (thanks to the other parent badmouthing me at every turn), I finally have 9 uninterrupted days this Christmas. My 12-year-old says they ‘aren’t ready’ for that long with me since it’s been years since we’ve had more than 4 days together.

I offered to do a mid-break overnight with the other parent, but apparently, that’s not good enough because the other parent thinks it’s still not enough time. I said, 'Tough luck, that’s the offer.' Meanwhile, my 13-year-old is fine with the whole visit, wants to support their sibling but also doesn’t like being in the middle of all this.

The kicker? My 12-year-old is thriving as the favorite at the other parent’s house, while the 13-year-old is ignored by the step-parent and just wants more time with me. How do I explain to my 12-year-old that I get their reluctance, but I still plan to follow the court order without it sounding like I’m dismissing their feelings? And how do I keep it light while fighting this exhausting battle for time with my kids?"*

The Answer:
Welcome to the parenting Olympics, where every decision feels like you’re competing for gold in “Most Misunderstood.” First, let’s acknowledge that you’re navigating a minefield of emotions, court orders, and the delightful effects of other-parent drama. But you’re here, you’re trying, and that alone deserves a medal. Now, let’s strategize.

How to Approach the 12-Year-Old:

  1. Acknowledge Their Feelings Without Budging on the Plan:

    • Try saying:
      “I hear you, and I understand that 9 days feels like a lot since we haven’t had that time together in a while. But this is our chance to reconnect, and I’m excited for it. Let’s find ways to make it fun so it doesn’t feel overwhelming.”
      You’re validating their feelings without giving the other parent control over your court-ordered time.

  2. Reframe It as a Positive:

    • “Think of this as an extended holiday hangout—more time for movies, games, and zero step-parent drama. Plus, 13-year-old is on board, and we’ll make it great together.”

  3. Set a Flexible Tone:

    • “If there are parts of the visit that feel tough, let’s talk about it. We can figure it out together. But this time is important for us, and I want to make the most of it with both of you.”

How to Manage the 13-Year-Old in the Middle:

  1. Acknowledge Their Support:

    • “I know you’re stuck in the middle sometimes, and that’s tough. I appreciate that you’re here and willing to make the best of our time together.”

  2. Give Them a Role:

    • “You’re the big sibling, and you know how to make things fun. Let’s come up with ideas to make this time awesome.”
      This gives them some ownership of the experience while keeping it positive.

Navigating the Other Parent’s Nonsense:

  1. Stick to the Facts:

    • You’re not the bad guy for following the court order. Period. Don’t engage in debates about fairness—they’re designed to trap you.

  2. Don’t Badmouth the Other Parent:

    • No matter how tempting it is to explain everything, focus on what you can control: your time with your kids and keeping it positive.

  3. Document Everything:

    • Keep track of what’s happening, from the reluctance of the 12-year-old to any manipulation from the other side. Courts love a well-documented parent.

Books to Keep You Sane (and Smiling):

  1. “Divorce Poison” by Dr. Richard A. Warshak

    • Learn how to combat manipulation and alienation while staying connected with your kids.

  2. “Co-Parenting with a Narcissist” by A.J. Randall

    • Practical advice for handling the drama and protecting your sanity.

  3. “The Explosive Child” by Dr. Ross Greene

    • Great strategies for navigating conflict and improving communication with strong-willed kids.

A Little Humor for the Road:

Explaining court orders to a 12-year-old is like negotiating with a tiny lawyer who also moonlights as a drama major. But you’ve got this. Remind them that this time isn’t about the other parent’s opinion—it’s about you getting to hang out, reconnect, and be the parent they need (even if they don’t know it yet).

And if all else fails, bribe them with pizza, a movie marathon, and the promise of not embarrassing them too much.

Worth a shot?

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