I am 38 with five kids aged 21, 17, 16, 13, and 7. My husband tragically took his life at the end of 2022

 


A reader asks:

"I am 38 with five kids aged 21, 17, 16, 13, and 7. My husband tragically took his life at the end of 2022, leaving me navigating this rollercoaster of emotions and responsibilities. I’m starting to see how much I struggle with communication in nearly every aspect of my life. Despite six years of therapy, which has helped somewhat, I still find it incredibly challenging to parent traumatized children, especially during the teenage years. I grew up with an avoidant father and an absent mother, so I feel like I’m winging it without a proper model. How can I improve my communication skills, particularly with my children? I feel so lost. Any advice is appreciated."

My take:
First, I want to send you a big virtual hug for all that you’re handling. Parenting five kids, each in wildly different life stages, is tough enough without adding trauma and your own healing process to the mix. You are clearly doing your best, which already puts you in superhero territory. Now let’s talk about communication and making life a little less overwhelming.

Start with yourself. You grew up without a solid communication model, so it’s no surprise this feels daunting. Try a book like Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg. It’s practical and great for navigating sensitive conversations without triggering defensiveness. Pair it with journaling—yes, old-school pen and paper. Write down your feelings, your worries, and what you wish you could say. It’s like a dress rehearsal for real-life conversations.

Your teens: Think of them as onions. They have layers. (Sometimes they make you cry, too, but I digress.) Start peeling back those layers by asking open-ended questions like, “What’s the hardest part of your day?” or “If I could change one thing to make life easier for you, what would it be?” And then—this is key—zip it and listen. Even if they hit you with “nothing” or “I don’t know,” your effort to connect is what matters.

The 7-year-old: Play is their love language. A game of Uno, a craft project, or even just building a LEGO tower together can open up communication in a non-verbal, non-threatening way. It’s less about words and more about showing up.

As for your adult child, you can model vulnerability by saying, “I’m working on being better at this parenting thing and would love your feedback.” This is a great way to start building an adult-to-adult relationship.

And finally, lean on community. Join a local or online support group for widowed parents. You’ll find practical advice and a lot of people who get it.

Two products I highly recommend:

  1. The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. This will give you great tools for understanding and communicating with kids at every stage.
  2. Conversation Starters for Families Cards on Amazon. These are fun, light, and an easy way to break the ice, even with reluctant talkers.

You’ve got this. One messy conversation at a time. 💜

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