My 14-year-old daughter hates living with her dad

 


A Reader Asks:

"My 14-year-old daughter hates living with her dad because he gives her chores and takes her phone when she’s rude. At my house, the rules are minimal: clean your room, go to school.

But now, she’s skipping school, inviting friends over when I’m at work, and making her own decisions about what she wants to do—like telling me she needs a ‘break’ from home. She keeps breaking the rules and acting like she’s in charge.

Do 14-year-olds these days just think they’re adults? Or is it that parents can’t control kids anymore because they don’t like boundaries? I’m at a loss."*

The Answer:
Ah, the modern 14-year-old: a walking paradox who wants all the freedom of adulthood with none of the responsibility (and apparently thinks “rules” are optional). You’re not alone in this battle—it’s the teen-versus-boundaries saga that’s been unfolding since the dawn of time.

1. Teenagers Hate Rules… but Need Them

Your daughter’s resistance to boundaries is normal—it’s her way of testing limits and asserting independence. The trick? Stand firm without turning every interaction into a battleground.

Instead of framing rules as punishments, position them as expectations:

  • “You can’t skip school and still expect privileges like friends over. That’s just how it works.”

2. Call Out the “Adult Privileges” Myth

If she wants the decision-making power of an adult, let her know that adulthood also comes with responsibilities—like cleaning up after yourself and showing up where you’re supposed to be.

  • “If you want a break from home, great—you’ll need a job, a budget, and rent. Oh, and Wi-Fi isn’t free.”

3. Consequences Are Key—But Make Them Stick

For breaking rules (like having friends over when you said no), consequences need to be immediate and consistent.

  • No more sleepovers for a while? Check.
  • Loss of phone for 24 hours? Done.

But follow through is non-negotiable; otherwise, she’ll see boundaries as flexible suggestions.

4. Build Choices into the Rules

Teens are more likely to comply when they feel some control.

  • Instead of “You’re grounded,” try: “Would you rather lose phone privileges for a week or skip hanging out with friends this weekend?”

Both options reinforce consequences, but she gets to choose her fate.

Books to Help Tame the Chaos:


  1. “Parenting a Strong-Willed Child” by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long

    • Great for understanding defiance and creating clear boundaries.


  2. “The Teenage Brain” by Frances E. Jensen

    • Explains why teens act the way they do and how to work with their developing brains.


  3. “No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

    • A practical guide for handling misbehavior without losing your cool.

Parenting a teenager is like being a bouncer at a club where the only rule is “no rules.” Stay strong—they’re going to test every boundary, but deep down, they need (and even want) you to hold the line.

Now, grab a coffee(maybe a shot of Kaluha), take a breath, and remind yourself: 14 doesn’t last forever.

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